Trump Taps Kid Rock to Rewrite the National Anthem: “More Guitars, Less Guilt”
The brief calls for eagles, fireworks, and a key change so patriotic it is reportedly visible from space.
DETROIT—The administration announced a bold cultural initiative this week, commissioning Kid Rock to rewrite “The Star-Spangled Banner” with a mandate for, in the artist’s words, “more guitars, less guilt.”
The updated anthem reportedly runs nine minutes, features three key changes, and replaces the phrase “the rockets’ red glare” with an extended pyrotechnics segment that several fire marshals have already asked to review.
“The old anthem asked a question. It said, ‘oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,’” the artist explained. “My version doesn’t ask. My version knows.”
At press time, the National Symphony Orchestra was quietly attempting to learn a guitar solo transcribed entirely in the phrase “you gotta feel it.”
