Popular “Eye Art” Studios Insist The Part Where They Keep A Copy Of Your Iris Is Just For Their Records

AUSTIN—The nation’s couples are lining up to pay upward of $300 to have a macro photograph taken of their own iris, printed on brushed aluminum, and hung above the couch — a service the studios describe as “art” and their servers describe as a high-resolution biometric map.

“It’s about capturing something that’s uniquely, authentically you,” said one studio owner, gesturing at a wall of enormous glowing eyeballs, each of them uniquely and authentically someone, and each of them sharp enough that security researchers have used photographs like them to fool commercial iris scanners.

The process is simple. Customers rest their chin on a padded bracket, stare into a ring light, and hold still while a technician records the fine, unrepeatable architecture of their eye. They leave with a tasteful print. What happens to the original file is governed by each studio’s privacy policy, a document nobody has ever asked to see framed. Asked what becomes of the file, one spokesman declined to answer, then declined to confirm there was a file, then offered fifteen percent off a matching set for both eyes.

Security researchers noted that the iris is one of the few things a person cannot change, update, or reset after a breach, which makes it, in their assessment, “the single worst thing you could email to a stranger in exchange for wall decor.” The studios called this characterization cynical and observed that the frames, for the record, are very nice. Business is reported to be especially brisk among customers who describe themselves as “extremely private people.”

At press time, the nation’s irises had been photographed, catalogued, alphabetized, and cross-referenced, and everyone agreed the hallway had never looked better.