President Personally Mails In The Ballot He Spent Years Warning You Not To Trust

PALM BEACH—The president has identified the one mail-in ballot in America he considers completely secure, and it is the one with his name on it.

Palm Beach County records show that the president requested a mail ballot for Florida’s Republican primary and returned it by mail, dropping into the United States Postal Service the exact instrument he has spent years describing as a doorway to fraud. By the county’s accounting it is at least the third time he has voted this way, alongside a 2020 ballot and a Florida special election earlier this year.

The vote arrived five months after he signed an executive order directing states to tighten mail voting before the November midterms, on the stated theory that ballots sent through the mail cannot be trusted to arrive, to be counted, or to belong to the person who signed them. His did all three.

Officials sympathetic to the president explained that the concern was never mail voting as a practice, only mail voting as performed by other people. A ballot mailed by a careful and patriotic citizen, they noted, is a very different object from a ballot mailed by a stranger, even when the two objects are identical, travel the same route, and are opened by the same machine.

The apparent contradiction was dismissed as a misunderstanding of the goal, which supporters described as election integrity and the record described as a completed absentee ballot. The president has continued to urge his followers to vote in person, in daylight, where they can be seen, while quietly keeping for himself the convenience he has asked them to give up.

At press time the ballot had been received, verified, and counted without incident, which everyone agreed was the most alarming part.