Armed Forces Bravely Weaken Themselves; Rival Nations Confused But Grateful

THE PENTAGON—In a bold move to strengthen national defense, the Pentagon has spent the past year discharging thousands of decorated, combat-tested soldiers who had passed every physical, tactical, and psychological evaluation the military offers, citing concerns that they were, if anything, too qualified.

“Readiness is our top priority, which is exactly why we are removing the people who were ready,” a general explained, standing before a formation noticeably smaller than it had been on Monday. “These were some of our sharpest troops. Which, when you think about it, is a lot of sharpness to just have lying around.”

The discharged soldiers, many of whom had deployed multiple times and personally trained the recruits now replacing them, were escorted out in what officials described as “a leaner, meaner force, mostly the leaner part.” A federal appeals court ruled in June that the policy behind the discharges was likely unlawful; the discharges, by then, were largely complete. Rival nations issued a rare joint statement expressing confusion and gratitude.

At press time, the Army was continuing to spend roughly $900 million a year on recruitment advertising to find soldiers exactly as capable as the ones it had just sent home, a search officials conceded “could take a while.”