Deportation Dragnet Nets Four Founding Fathers, Dozens Of U.S. Citizens, Zero Intended Targets

WASHINGTON—A sweeping new deportation dragnet completed its first week of operation with what officials are calling “strong early numbers,” having detained four Founding Fathers, dozens of United States citizens, and a man on his way to his own naturalization ceremony, while apprehending zero of its intended targets.

“The system is working exactly as designed,” said an agency spokesperson, standing beside a bronze statue of Paul Revere that had been zip-tied and read its rights. “Is it catching the right people? It’s catching people. That’s step one. Step two, we workshop.”

Among those swept up were a colonial reenactment troupe (“suspiciously period-accurate”), a high school Model UN delegation (“claimed to represent Belgium”), and the dragnet’s own regional director, detained Thursday after forgetting his badge and, in his words, “fitting the profile I personally wrote.”

At press time, the agency had announced it would double the size of the dragnet, reasoning that if it was catching this many of the wrong people already, imagine the possibilities.