House Republicans Unveil Budget Chainsaw: Congressional Snacks, DEI Retreats, and Turtle Tunnels All On Notice
GOP lawmakers introduce a bill to slash spending on perks, consultants, and pet projects. It sure sends a message.
WASHINGTON—House Republicans unveiled a sweeping new spending bill Thursday that they are proudly calling “the budget chainsaw,” a piece of legislation that puts congressional snack budgets, diversity retreats, and a $3 million turtle tunnel in rural Ohio squarely on notice.
“Every line of this budget was reviewed by a real person who asked one simple question: does the turtle truly need its own tunnel,” said the bill’s sponsor, holding a prop chainsaw that aides confirmed was not turned on. “We are the party of the taxpayer, and the taxpayer is tired of funding amphibian infrastructure.”
Critics were quick to point out that the bill’s total savings amount to roughly 0.0004 percent of the federal budget, a figure supporters dismissed as “exactly the kind of math the swamp wants you to do.”
At press time, the turtle tunnel remained fully funded after a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers admitted, off the record, that they had grown attached to it.